10 Minutes of The Hunger Games

It was hard to find anyone at the office that wasn’t reading it when it came out. When people asked me if I had read it, I told them that it was next on my list after finishing Hand, Hand, Finger, Thumb.

When the movie came out, a lot of people threw a fit that it was going to be rated PG-13 instead of R. Calmly, I tried to remind them that it was a kid’s book.

I think everyone knows the gist of this movie. It’s the Running Man meets Lord of the Flies with less Jesse Ventura.

Anyway, here’s the first 10 minutes (or so) of The Hunger Games:

 


 

There’s some reading to do at the very beginning. Don’t worry. It’s not much. If I was in the theater I have no doubt that half the audience would have read it for me. Blah, blah, blah the state won a rebellion. To commemorate it, children between 12 and 18 will fight to the death. The winner will receive riches, the losers will be dead and we’ll call it The Hunger Games because … well, I don’t know. Doesn’t seem to have much to do with hunger yet.

We cut to a broadcast. Stanley Tucci is interviewing the game master. The game master has a really bizarre mustache. This can mean only one thing in the future—hipsters have won the war. So, it is a bleak future indeed.

And they’re gone. Not really sure what that interview proved. Tucci only asked one question and they cut away before it was answered. Maybe the guys mustache was the answer. No telling. I’m sure they’ll come back to it.

Okay now we’re in some shitty town and some little girl is crying about dying or something but then her older sister sings a song with her and everything is okay. Wait. Is this a Disney movie? It better not be a musical.

With fear of death sung away, the older sister goes to leave. There is an angry cat hissing at her. So, in the future, cats are still evil. I’m thinking they teamed up with the hipsters to win the war because whiskers are essentially mustaches.

She’s running through the shitty town showing us how shitty everything is. They cut to a couple of kids playing in mud with sticks. This could be to show us how poor everyone is, but if you put any kid near mud with a stick, they’re going to play in it. It’s what kids do.

Aaargh. Friggin’ shaky cam. Why? Why must you do this to me?

Okay, she’s at an electric fence that marks the edge of District 13. I know because the sign says electric fence and something about it being the edge of District 13. She jumps right through. The sign is a damn liar.

Now she’s in the woods. She’s hidden a bow in a log. And some arrows in another log. Why not hide them in the same log? She sees a deer. She pulls back the arrow. She must be an excellent archer. There’s a gust of wind and it blows the hair from behind her into her face. The deer smells her. She notices this. Now she crumples up a bunch of leaves to see which way the wind is blowing. It’s from behind you dumb ass. It blew the hair in your face. Towards the deer. We all just watched it happen. I could tell which way it was blowing and I’m not even in the movie!

Then she picks up a rock. And puts it in the bow. What? Okay, maybe she’s not that good of an archer. You don’t shoot rocks. She doesn’t even know how it works. She scares the deer into the open and is about to shoot it—with an arrow this time—but some guy startles her and she misses.

She knows him. He calls her Catnip. That is a stupid name.

There is a giant blast of wind. There’s a huge hovercraft overhead. Maybe the wind is coming from there. Quick! Drop some leaves, Catnip! The pair run for cover and talk about running away and living in the woods, but they’d never make it probably because of hovercrafts.

Now we’re back in the shitty town. Elizabeth Banks is there. She’s covered in white makeup. Is this a Tim Burton movie? No, it can’t be. Danny Elfman didn’t score it. Damn, they uglied her up. She was cute too. I don’t like a future where they make the hot girl from Scrubs ugly.

There’s a bunch of the State Police Oppression Force Around. Their uniforms are pretty lame. They look like the cops from THX-1138, like a 60’s bond villain designed them and then had to scale back the henchman uniform budget. The guys with the calculators taped to their arms in Total Recall were more threatening.

There’s a lot of talking about peoples chance of getting drawn, and that probably includes some back story or highlights of how desperate they are or something but I wasn’t really paying attention as they’re pretty much just dressing up nice to go the lottery.

BATH SCENE! Oh, false alarm. Forgot it was PG-13.

At the drawing there’s some kind of Big Brother film being shown. It confirms what I always knew, Donald Sutherland will narrate the apocalypse.

So the little sister’s name is drawn so Catnip volunteers to take her place. The kid from Journey to the Center of the Earth is also chosen. No one loves him enough to take his place. No one in the crowd claps because everything is boring so far.

So, Catface, or whatever, gets three minutes to say goodbye to her family. Her sister tells her to try and win which means, don’t die. Cathead says, “I just might. I’m pretty smart, you know.”

What she doesn’t add is, “Just don’t ask me which way the wind is blowing, because that confuses the shit out of me, I mean it’s hard because wind is all invisible and shit. But, other than knowing which way the wind is blowing, I’m pretty smart. And I can figure out which way the wind is blowing if I have some leaves. Maybe the Hunger Games will have some leaves around and I’ll be able to figure out which way the wind is blowing. As long as my hair stays out my face. I hate it when the wind blows my hair in my face when I’m trying to figure out which way the wind is blowing. But, smart. Besides wind. Smart.”

That was roughly ten minutes. I’m sure more stuff happens after that.

4 comments

  1. Loved it. I was never drawn to The Hunger Games. There are more books and I have to wonder what on earth goes on in them I guess I should read to find out but I’ve got just about as much chance as reading 50 Sahdes or the Twilight saga, which is none at all. Loved the satire. Do more films/books

  2. Thank you for this. My older son is insisting on seeing Raising Fire or whatever in the world it’s called and I’ve avoided these books like the plague.

    Okay, I’ve read the synopses on Wikipedia at least. But now I have to go spend at least $25.00 to take the child to see the movie, probably more like $50 because a barrel of popcorn is going for twenty bucks, and it’s paining my wallet greatly.

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