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Like everyone else, I welcomed the 2011 New Year’s Baby with the oohs, ahhs and coochie coos reserved for such infant encounters. The young child was filled with potential and optimism. Little did we know that he was a little bitch carrying a diaper full of shit for the entire world. We were all deceived by last year’s bundle of joy. But, not again.

Say hello to the New-New Year’s Baby. His name is Leon. He’s not the pushover his predecessor was. He won’t put up with whining, cheating, stealing or killing. He’s going to kick ass and slap sense into everyone who makes a move to press the pity button. It may sound harsh, but he’s fair. Leon’s policy of Tough Love and Wedgies for Wusses is something the world needs and this baby is ready to bear hug the crap out of anyone who steps out of line.

Leon’s not putting up with that illegal nonsense either. Try to take advantage of your fellow man and Leon is going to throat punch you back in your place while explaining, using small words, that Karma’s a sissy that’s been sitting on his ass too long, so he’s taken up the job of serving everyone their just desserts. 

It’s 2012 and Leon is here so you’d better have your shit together. Grit and determination will reap rewards. Pissing and moaning will get you a visit from the NYB who doesn’t give a damn. He’ll slap a pacifier in your mouth and put your baby ass in the corner. And, really, getting your ass handed to you by a baby is pretty humiliating.

Just remember New Year’s Baby Leon’s motto, “The year is what you make of it. Make it suck and there will be hell to pay.”

Happy New Year and watch your ass.