Dumb White Husband vs. Elf on the Shelf (aka Your Child’s First Stalker)

 

He knows when they are sleeping.

As far as I know, the Elf on the Shelf wasn’t around when I was a kid. If it was, it certainly wasn’t the phenom that it is today. Today it’s everywhere. It serves as newscast fluff and fills my social media timeline as parents snap all the clever locations they’ve placed it.

Sure, we didn’t have this impish little creature that hid all over the house and watched us, but you know what we did have?

Pretty much the same thing.

Let’s face it, this Elf might as well be called Child’s First Stalker and come packaged in a white van with a handful of lollipops and a sign that says, “FREE CANDY.” The thing is just creepy.

Yes, it looks innocent, but it also looks like Davy’s effeminate cousin. And that’s saying a lot because Davy wasn’t the most masculine marionette to begin with.

Except here. This is pretty butch.

Here’s how it’s suppose to work: You bring it home. The kid names it (probably something stupid) and you tell them that it has magical powers, but it will lose its powers if they touch it. Then, every night, you move it to a new location where it can use its elf magic to spy on your kid.

How do parents not see this as pure nightmare fuel? As a kid I would have been terrified to open my eyes in the morning for fear my elfin “friend” was staring back at me—possibly holding a knife behind its back just to add literal scarring to the emotional scarring—and smiling … always smiling with eyes that say, “I know what you did. I saw everything.”

But, if the kids really like it, what’s the problem?

The problem is I’ve got to remember to move it every night. Because, that’s exactly what I need during the holidays—one more thing to remember. I’ve already got the advent calendar sitting on a shelf mocking my organizational skills, I don’t need some damn leering elf reminding me that I’m failing my children because I can’t keep up with a to-do list.

But, of course I’ve got to move it because the thing has no feet. Just two creepy little stumps. This is because even the designers thought it was wrong. When they got to the bottom of the thing they were thinking, “who are we kidding, no one is going to buy this creepy ass stalker doll. Let’s just give up.”

If it turns out he was a hero during the
Polar Wars, I’m going to feel like an ass.

But, all creepiness aside, it’s popular because kids want it. And my kids wanted it. So I tried to find it. But it’s too popular now. And I couldn’t find it. So they cried.

What could I do? I had to find something. So I found this on ETSY and told them it was the elf’s cousin.

They named him Idonwanna.

And it’s working. They won’t go near it because they don’t want it to lose its powers. And they’re really good whenever it’s in the room.

I’m glad I was able to make them happy.

UPDATE: Apparently, the Elf is now available at Amazon. I think I’ll stick with Idonwanna though. It’s working great.

 

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