Dumb White Husband vs. Snow White & The Huntsman

I was flipping through the channels the other day and caught a few minutes of this movie. It reminded me of when I watched the first 10 minutes, so I pulled up the old post.

As often happens at family gatherings, there are so many people in a room that no one is certain who gets to control the remote. This is why, last Thanksgiving, I watched the first ten or so minutes of Snow White and the Huntsman.

The movie opens with the Queen stabbing herself on a rose and being inspired by the blood on the snow to want a daughter that looks like that. Yes, like blood on white snow. Then she has a daughter and dies.

Then, I went for a cigarette.

When I came back the King saves a woman chained to the back of wagon and marries her. The new Queen then stabs the King and throws her stepdaughter, Snow White, in the tower. Then there was something about the Queen’s evil ruining the land I think, but I had grabbed some dessert, so I can’t be sure. But, I did witness some real evil powers she had that helped keep her young and she survives a straight up stabbing without the ill effects usually associated with stabbings.

When I sat back down, the Queen was doing the whole mirror, mirror bit. But, instead of the creepy face in the mirror that Disney made famous they went with a black guy under a gold bed sheet. Blah, blah, blah the girl from Twilight is prettier than Charlize Theron so go kill her and eat her heart or something.

Damn the Queen’s luck, Snow White is in the process of escaping because some birds brought her a shiv and she stabbed her step uncle then ran from the tower. She jumps into the sewer and then dives into the ocean. After swimming up on shore, she finds a white horse waiting for her. Just waiting for her, it was relaxing on the beach, no saddle, no reigns—the only conclusion is that this horse is magical. (update: I’ve since been told that Snow White could talk to animals. I was unaware of her Doolittle-esque powers though the movie certainly could have benefited from more Norm McDonald voiced animals.)

She jumps on the horse and rides away while the Queen’s guards pursue her through the dying land and crappy towns. The magical horse can’t run in mud for some reason and collapses. So it’s the stupidest magical horse ever and she runs on foot into the Dark Forest then falls into a spore that totally causes her to trip balls. She gets away anyway because the Queen’s guard are the only thing more incompetent than the magic horse.

We then cut to the Queen explaining that her evil powers don’t work in the Dark Forest because why would we expect evil powers to work in a dark forest? Just because the forest is evil and her powers are evil and her evil powers caused the dark forest to appear in the first place is no reason that we should expect her powers to work there.

Anyway, she tricks Thor into going into the forest after Snow White. He finds her right away because, hey, Queen’s guards, she was just lying there. Thor is double crossed by the Queen so he stabs a guy and then I stopped watching. My best guess is that it’s another couple of hours of crappy magic and stabbiness. And probably some dwarves.

One comment

  1. The wife got that on Netflix the other day. I was on the comfy side of the couch and could’t care less about she who cannot smile so I checked out the insides of my eyelids. When I awoke the TV was off. I asked my wife if anything good happened. She said no, that it sucked. I asked her if they explained how the Twilight chick was somehow awesome even though she had lived in the dungeon since she was six. She thought for a second and then said no, that that had gotten by her, but that it made it even stupider.

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