DUMB WHITE HUSBAND

If you’re not him, you know him. He’s the unsung hero of countless TV shows and commercials. Now he’s finally being given the chance to share his side of the story as he takes on everything from the grocery store to the Tooth Fairy to zombies.

 

Dumb White Husband vs. The Grocery Store (A Short Story)

John is a dumb white husband.

That is to say that he loves and cares for his family, is successful in his career, popular around the neighborhood, can dress himself (often without injury) and is capable of reasonable thought. Demographically, however, he functions like a 4-year-old that can’t quite master the intricacies of the potty.

It isn’t his fault. He studied hard and got a college degree. He works hard and earns a comfortable living. But, like all other dumb white husbands, he leads a dual life; competent member of society by day, helpless male by night, weekends and holidays.

He has served for years as the nervous legal department-approved foil of commercials, TV and movies. And, for this service, we thank him. No one has ever cared to look inside the mind of the dumb white husband – probably for a fear of what we might find – but, if we took a minute to consider it, we may see that he’s not as dumb as we all think. But, he probably is.

In this adventure, Dumb White Husband goes to the grocery store.

The Big Book of Dumb White Husband

If you’re not him, you know him.

He’s challenged the grocery store. He’s confronted the HOA. He’s even taken on Santa himself. He doesn’t usually win. These are the tales of the Dumb White Husband and they are all available here in this collected edition. Now you can have all the dumb white husband stories in one dumb place.

This handsome volume includes:

Dumb White Husband vs. the Grocery Store – John would rather sit and watch the game, but his wife needs some things at the store. Can he complete the list and get back in time to see the end of the game?

Dumb White Husband vs. Halloween – Every Halloween, Chris has the scariest house on the block and gives out the best candy. But, this year, someone is showing him up and he’ll stop at nothing to find out who.

Dumb White Husband vs. Santa – Erik has planned the perfect Christmas for his family. The plan is foolproof, bulletproof and flame retardant. Nothing can undo the hours of planning and preparation. Nothing except maybe odd-shaped packages, ill-timed fruitcakes or an errant neighborhood Santa Claus.

Dumb White Husband vs. the Tooth Fairy – Erik always has a plan and he’s sure he would have figured out the whole Tooth Fairy thing eventually. But, when his three-year-old son takes a frisbee to the mouth, he’s forced to speed things up. Between neighborhood kids with big mouths and unhelpful dentists he’s going to need to improvise. Will he bend to the pressure of inflation? Will he get caught in the act? And, what do you do with those teeth anyway?

Dumb White Husband vs. The HOA (A novella) – There comes a time in every man’s life when he must stand for the things he believes in. John doesn’t believe in bagging his grass. So, when a new allergy-prone neighbor gets the HOA to require it, there’s only one thing he can do – run for President of The Creeks of Sage Valley Phase II.

John, Chris and Erik put aside most of their differences to run a campaign that they hope will see John elected as President and end the meddling of the rule-loving new kid on the block. Will they succeed? It’s doubtful.

Dumb White Husbands vs. Zombies

John, Chris and Erik are neighbors in the quaint subdivision of The Creeks of Sage Valley Phase II. These three family men happily live the typical suburban family life—their only real problems have been with each other and the draconian rules of the HOA.

That all changes when the dead rise from their graves and walk the Earth. Now they must reluctantly join together to survive the spreading apocalypse and find their families. Personal fears, long buried secrets and their own personalities threaten to tear the group apart as they make their way across the zombie ridden landscape in Dumb White Husbands vs. Zombies.