In these uncertain times, your company should be addressing this unprecedented threat. If you have not already crafted a response message, feel free to use one from below.

COVID-19

In these times of unprecedented uncertainty, your safety is our top priority. In response to the COVID-19 threat, we’ve adapted our policies to provide a safe and convenient environment for our customers and staff.

Please practice safe social distancing while shopping in our store by maintaining a six-foot distance between yourself and others whenever possible. You will notice markers on the floor near our checkouts to help us all shop safely.

We will be using a single, clearly designated entrance, and another clearly designated exit at each store to help maintain social distancing.

In accordance with CDC guidelines, our employees will wear masks and other face coverings for your safety. We encourage our customers to do the same.

As part of our response, we have developed a new rapid response team to continuously sterilize high-traffic, high-touch surfaces such as shopping carts, doors and countertops.

Please remember, we are in this together.

 

MURDER HORNETS

In these times of unprecedented uncertainty, your safety is our top priority. In response to the Murder Hornet threat, we’ve adapted our policies to provide a safe and convenient environment for our customers and staff.

Please practice safe social distancing while shopping in our store by maintaining a six-foot distance between yourself and others whenever possible. Grouping together will just make yourself a larger target for the murder hornets.

We will be using a single, clearly designated entrance, and another clearly designated exit at each store to help maintain social distancing. However, should murder hornets get in the store, all bets are off.

Masks and face coverings will do little to stop the harpoon-like spear employed by murder hornets. These little bastards have even defeated beekeeper attire. Our employees will be wearing Olympic grade fencing helmets. We encourage our customers to do the same.

As part of our response, we have developed a new rapid response team armed with flamethrowers and the strongest shit RAID makes to deal with these monstrous hornets born of Hell.

Please remember, we are in this together.

 

ZOMBIES

In these times of unprecedented uncertainty, your safety is our top priority. In response to the Zombies threat, we’ve adapted our policies to provide a safe and convenient environment for our customers and staff.

Please practice safe social distancing while shopping in our store by maintaining a six-foot distance between yourself and others whenever possible. You will notice markers on the floor near our checkouts to help us all shop safely.

We will be using a single, clearly designated entrance, and another clearly designated exit for humans only to prevent the dead from entering our stores.

In accordance with CDC guidelines, our employees will wear masks and other face coverings to stop the smell. We recommend you do the same because these things really stink.

As part of our response, we have developed a new rapid response team armed with spiked baseball bats, chainsaws, sawed-off shotguns, and a modified ’86 Toyota Corolla we’re calling the Death Dealer.

Please remember, we are in this together.

 

PASSIVE AGGRESSIVE YETI

In these times of unprecedented uncertainty, your safety is our top priority. In response to the Passive Aggressive Yeti threat, we’ve adapted our policies to provide a safe and convenient environment for our customers and staff.

Please practice safe social distancing while shopping in our store by maintaining a six-foot distance between yourself and others whenever possible. This will prevent the Yeti from making comments like, “Why don’t you get a room” or “At least some of us don’t have to work today.”

We will be using a single, clearly designated entrance, and another clearly designated exit at each store to prevent the Yeti from commenting on people who chose to enter through the door clearly marked Exit

Masks and face coverings may prevent the Yeti from recognizing you if you owe them money.

As part of our response, we have developed a new rapid response team armed with snappy comebacks and sarcastic attitudes.

Please remember, we are in this together.

 

NICKELBACK

In these times of unprecedented uncertainty, your safety is our top priority. In response to the Canadian Virus, we’ve adapted our policies to provide a safe and convenient environment for our customers and staff.

Please practice safe social distancing while shopping in our store by maintaining a six-foot distance between yourself and others whenever possible. You will notice markers on the floor near our checkouts to help us all shop safely. Even small groups could encourage any low-grade smart ass to whistle When We Stand Together.

We will be using our entrances in a normal fashion to avoid any appearances that we may intend to Feed the Machine.

Please don’t remind anyone about anything.

We will always be closed This Afternoon.

In accordance with CDC guidelines, our employees will wear masks and other face coverings in case they start to mouth the words to any Nickelback song. This will prevent them from getting Nickelback on other people. We encourage our shoppers to do the same to prevent the spread of Nickelback.

As part of our response, we have developed a new rapid response team armed with flamethrowers and the strongest shit RAID makes in the off-chance Nickelback penetrates the border and gets into the store.

Our photo center will be closed until further notice.

Please remember, we are in this together.

SPONTANEOUSLY COMBUSTIBLE PENGUINS

In these times of unprecedented uncertainty, your safety is our top priority. In response to the SCP-20 threat, we’ve adapted our policies to provide a safe and convenient environment for our customers and staff.

Please practice safe social distancing while shopping in our store by maintaining a six-foot distance between yourself and others whenever possible to reduce fatalities. You will notice markers on the floor near our checkouts to help us all shop safely. Those waddling predators are attracted to groups.

We will be using a single, clearly designated entrance, and another clearly designated exit at each store to help maintain our social distancing and penguin denial capabilities.

In accordance with CDC guidelines, any employee that develops a waddle or shows up to work in a tuxedo will be sent home immediately.

As part of our response, we have developed a new rapid response team armed with tasty, tasty herrings to keep the birds calm.

Please remember, we are in this together.


In these unprecedented times, please buy my books.