8 Reasons Self-Driving Cars Might Not Suck

Oct 26, 20170 comments

Autonomous cars are coming.

That means no more burnouts, handbrake turns or getting the car up on two-wheels while trying to beat the red. But it won’t all be bad. Self-driving cars are going to have a lot of benefits, too.

The most obvious benefit is that you won’t have to do the driving. Hands at 10 and 2 will no longer be a thing (9 and 3 for millennials).  That means two hands free to do whatever you want. That’s right, you now have two middle fingers for every driver that always deserved a double barrel bird and never got it!

While self-driving cars could revolutionize finger-giving techniques in no time, there may not be any use for it. Autonomous cars could completely do away with road rage altogether leaving plenty of room for all the other types of rage that never really got the attention they deserved. Desk rage. Kitchen rage. Golf course rage. There are whole new areas of rage that humanity has been unable to explore—until now.

You’ll spend less time in traffic. Some reports say there will be 500% more room on the roads thanks to the coming technology. The average American used to spend 50 hours stuck in traffic. You could get that down to zero hours by quitting your job. Why go to work when you can be driven around all day like some kind of captain of industry?

With all this newfound time from not driving/working you could be a better you. You could read a book, write a poem or even learn an instrument thanks to self-driving cars. With all of that time at your disposal, you could better yourself and become an important contributor to society. Or you could take a nap!

Napping is awesome! It increases alertness, improves learning, heightens your creativity and improves your health. And, since you no longer have to keep your eyes on the road, you might as well catch a few winks. Hell, why not turn it into a full-fledged sleep?

If you’ve got a long haul ahead of you, grab a pillow, a blanket and sleep through Arkansas. Not that there’s anything wrong with Arkansas, but they’re not exactly lining the roadways with beautiful works of art. And, until they do, why give them the satisfaction of you looking at it? Besides, there’s no point in being awake on a road trip when all the semis are robots and you can’t get them to honk their horns by doing the “pull the chain” gesture.

One of the great things about self-driving cars is going to be the complete lack of responsibility! You don’t have to be focused, awake or even sober. Drunk driving will be a thing of the past and the only reason we’ll have breathalyzers at all is for setting personal records. So why not tie one on and hit the road?

And there will be no more of this picking up the kids from school crap. Why bother sitting in the pickup line making awkward eye contact with all the judgmental parents when you can just send the Ford to get them? Besides, you’re a rage-filled, unemployed drunk that just rides around all day giving people double fingers and dumping on Arkansas for no apparent reason. And that’s not a good example to set for a child.

Yes, self-driving cars will one day revolutionize the way we live, don’t work and shirk responsibility. And that day is almost here. 


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