Children need help with a lot of things. Their Christmas Wish List isn’t one of them. They’ve been working on it since their birthday and have the thing committed to memory like they were a spy protecting government secrets.

Granted, it’s not usually complicated.

Despite this, websites everywhere have been compiling Hot Toy Lists to help you spoil your children. I decided to take a look at Amazon’s list and see what they had on it. Here’s what I found on the boys list.

Let’s start with a classic:



Sometimes “classic” is code for boring.

The North Pole Workshop classic. Countless Christmas specials show the elves cranking out wooden trains  so fast you might think kids would actually want one. But, no kid wants some crap-ass wooden train set. It may feel nostalgic, but is nostalgia really worth $60? No. Lick a candy cane and get the kid something they want.

The only thing this is good for is convincing your kids that Santa is real. And, that he hates your children.

Get it anyway: Crap-Ass Wooden Train Set



Little. Yellow. Different.

Minions—funny. The way they talk—funny. Having one living with you and chattering a few select phrases non-stop—nerve-grinding irritant. Placing it under the back wheel of a sports car and launching it at 70 mph into the neighbor’s fence—funny. So, there are pros and cons.

Get it anyway: Talking Minion with Exciting Patience Testing Feature



I wonder what’s happening off to the right.

My kids never had a Furby. I know how it is to grow attached to something and then lose it. I don’t want them to experience that before they have to. I’d hate to see them fall in love with this Furbish speaking critter and then see it shattered beneath my boot when I finally snap and punt the thing through a window. I love them too much. So, they won’t be getting one. Although, I would be interested in putting it together with the talking Minion and seeing which one bursts into flames first.

Anyway, the Furby has made hot toy lists for years and it’s back again. Now in an exciting new color that looks like the tracking on your VCR is screwed up. Other than that, I think it’s the same toy.

Get it anyway: Same Old Furby now in Stupid Colors



Puts hair on a boys chest. Orange foamy hair.

NERF rocks. Not the stupid soccer ball, but the guns. These are practically the only toy guns left out there and they’re the only thing that keep our sons from growing up to be 1980’s communists. So get one, put it in his hand and teach him how to use it to defend liberty from its enemies. Actually, get enough for the whole family because a NERF skirmish sucks if no one is sending the ammo back at you.

Defend Liberty: Commie Hating NERF Gun



Now with more things for you to buy.

Skylanders has been the biggest toy for the last two years and there’s no reason to think this year will be any different. Why? Because the brilliant bastards behind this game have made it so your have to buy the $80 game/figure/portal version again. Some of the new figures can swap torsos and legs to create new combinations and I guess that requires new portal technology. It also means that there are now there are 55 figures for “kids” to collect. Damn them those brilliant bastards.

My own kids are screaming for this and it will be under the tree. The figures from previous games work with Swap Force so they’ll have plenty of characters to use without me having to buy new ones.

Damn Those Brilliant Bastards: Skylanders Swap Force Beginner Addicts Kit



What an original idea.

Never to let not having an original idea stand in the way of profit, Disney has released a Skylanders-esque game as well. It’s the same kind of thing. Buy the game and collect figures that come to life in the game. Being a Disney product, the figures are more expensive than Skylanders. I guess they figured if they charged more, it wouldn’t look like they were just ripping off someone else’s idea.

Get It Anyway: Disney’s “It’s Nothing Like Skylanders” Skylanders Type Game



Take that, crap-ass wooden train set.

It’s a freaking dinosuar with freaking guns all over it made for kids under 8. It’s a walking, roaring, blasting and, hopefully, man-eating personification of the Christmas spirit! It’s awesomeness molded in plastic because every boy already loves dinosaurs and instinctively knows that if they were alive today we’d strap cannons to their backs and ride them through the streets daring pedestrians to just try and make that light.

Roar, dammit!: Freaking Dinosaur with Freaking Guns



Seriously, something is going on to the right.

I’m not sure who the Furbies know at Amazon, but here’s another one. This is exactly the same as the other one but designed to look like you are viewing it with a concussion or some other form of head trauma.

Get It Anyway: Another Stupid Furby



Where’s the giant penny?

I think the Imaginext toys are great. I can’t really say I support any child’s decision to be a DC comics fan, but if they must, Batman is the way to go. All of the Imaginext playsets are durable and even my older kid continues to play with them. The other sets include jungle adventure, castles, rockets, sea serpents and freaking dinosaurs with freaking guns on them. So go ahead and get your kid the Batcave. If he starts asking for the Superman sets, though, it may be time to sit him down and have the talk about the difference between boys and girls.

He’s Batman: Batcave playset, Freaking Dinosuars with Freaking Guns not included.



Johnny Depp’s loss is our gain.

I personally think that Lego is the greatest toy ever made and I will fight any man that says differently provided that he is not bigger than me, armed, trained in mystical forms of combat or looking when I sneak up behind him with a chair. You just can’t go wrong with Lego.

Obviously, The Lone Ranger Lego is not on the Hot Toys List. Chima is, but not Lone Ranger. But, that’s where we get lucky. My kid has been asking for this all year and I’ve been waiting for the fallout from the bomb that was the film to reach the retail level. It finally has. Amazon has most of the Lone Ranger sets marked down 25 – 30%.

Hi Ho, Silver: Just Tell Them It’s A Wild West Lego Train Set



6-year-olds everywhere scream, “They stole my idea.”

The weaponized fart has been a staple of children’s humor since farts were first allowed in broadcast media and probably long before that. That’s why this is terrible. Not because it’s crude or disgusting or because the kids will be firing farts fast enough to make a mini-gun jealous until the batteries die or you can shove it in the garbage disposal, but because it’s played out. Give ’em a pad and a pen and tell them to write better jokes. It will serve humanity better in the long run. Unless they just write a bunch of fart jokes. Which is a good possibility.

Get It Anyway: The world’s most tired joke in gun form



Pointy sticks and hyperactive kids. Great combo.

“Hey, let’s blow up a balloon and jab it with sharp sticks until it breaks because explosions are cool.”

 – degenerate children and the idiots that made this game

I hate it when toys break on Christmas morning. This one self destructs.

Get It Anyway: Gunshot Simulator/Heart Attack Inducer




Just give it up, Furby. Know one’s buying the charade.

Hearts? Oh, well, that’s totally different. It’s definitely worth $60 now. (I wonder if Furbys understand sarcasm)

Get It Anyway: $60 Worth of Bullshit with Hearts



Boing. Boing. Broken arm.

Merry Christmas. Have a broken tibia.

Get It Anyway: Bouncy Fun and Hospital Admission



Because children aren’t loud enough.

It makes children louder. This goes against everything that parenting stands for. Whoever added this to the list deserves to be beaten. With the mic and amp. While in the bathtub.

Get It Anyway: Mic and Amplifier, Neighbor’s Angst Included




Still not as bad as the movie.

A radio controlled plane is a pretty sweet Christmas present for anyone. You know what isn’t? A radio controlled plane that doesn’t freaking fly. Basically, your kid straps what look like sandwiches to their hands and runs around the room making airplane noises and pretending to fly like a plane. The Planes plane rolls around on the ground after the child making airplanes noises and pretending to fly like a plane. But, it doesn’t, because Disney wants to see just how stupid your are.

If my kids got a radio control plane that didn’t fly I would find a way to get that piece of shit airborne as soon as possible.

Get It Anyway: Disney Stupidity Test



Two stupid trends together at last.

I know you’re expecting me to complain about yet another Furby, but this guy I like. The Holiday Sweater edition Furby is the only one honest enough to admit that it will be put away before the 26th and never thought of again. I appreciate honesty. It shows integrity. Integrity that those other crappy Furbys don’t have.  But, integrity still ain’t worth $60.

Get In Anyway: Festive Freaking Furby



Up yours, Amazon. Up yours.

Get It Anyway: I Hate My Neighbors And They Can Go To Hell Drum Set with Floor Tom



Pictured above: Shameless self promotion.

Okay, this one isn’t on the Hot Toys list, but I think you’re kid will love it.

Rhyme Away: Young Adventurer’s Alphabet by Benjamin Wallace



I want to give you an audiobook.

It's a collection of short stories about time travel, alien invasions, selling homes in alternate dimensions, giant combiner robots, post-apocalyptic beagles and much more. And it's all read by the amazing Phil Thron.

It's yours when you sign up for my newsletter. 

You have Successfully Subscribed!