The modern-day flautist gets a bad rap, probably. The flute has a light sound. It’s small. True. it’s no more phallic than some of the other instruments, but having to make that kissy face the whole time doesn’t help. And in Peter and the Wolf, it stands in for the bird. And not even a mean bird.

But scientists have now discovered that around about 40,000 years ago, cavemen were playing flutes made from mammoth bones. First of all, that’s way tougher than drinking from the skull of your enemy. Not saying that: “I shall slay you and drink my mead from your skull,” sounds tougher than, “I shall kill you and use your bones to play a delightful melody!” But, the act of slaying someone, grabbing a bone from the corpse, and then hollowing it out into an instrument is pretty brutal.

And who would tease a guy for playing a flute after he’s ripped it from a freaking mastodon? Well, maybe Grog.

Nog would have gathered everyone around the fire, presented the instrument, and said, “I hunted and killed the hairy elephant. I struck him down with my spear and removed his bones to create this instrument. And now I will put this to my lips and play a tribute to the noble and mighty creature on this, my Mammoth Bone Flute.”

Then Grog would snicker and say, “Nog plays the bone flute.”

Then the other cave people would laugh and Nog would have to take up the drums or cave painting or something. All because Grog is a jerk.

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