I encountered holiday music four times yesterday. And almost every time is was that effing Wham song. It was not at all unlike being assaulted by a boxer where every punch sets you up for another that comes from a completely different and unexpected direction.

There is no worse song. I’m surprised the It’s a Small World ride hasn’t ditched the original tune and gone with an elfin, worldly cover of Last Christmas to speed up their experiment of how many people would choose drowning in ride-water versus listening to horrible music.

Every time I walked into a place yesterday, it was Wham, Wham, mothereffing Wham! Shittier still the song is now hiding behind covers. Before this travesty, I could tell within one note whether I needed to run or change the station. But, no, Taylor swift had to cover the piece of shit. Now it takes two to three notes before I feel my neck twinge and my guts wrench up. This is extremely dangerous as prolonged exposure to the tune has been proven to cause permanent nerve damage in roaches, rats and people with ears. Thankfully it can be mitigated with quick action so I left before Swift could get too far into it.

I felt confident I was now on guard but it gets worse because Jimmy Eat World now has a version of this testament to humanity’s poor taste. Really, Jimmy? This is how you try to make a comeback? Or is it spite for the world forgetting about you?

Having never heard their version before, it took several notes before my nervous system realized it was under attack. Thankfully it chose survival over submission and it led me outside where I heard another holiday song that, finally, wasn’t Wham’s. I assumed absolutely anything would be better.

But it was Do They Know It’s Christmas. So now I’m dead.

Merry Christmas


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