A message to Benjamin Wallace Books customers

At Benjamin Wallace Books, our first concern is your safety right after the concern that crabs may form an unholy alliance with lobsters and crab walk out of the ocean to form a crustacean caliphate that we should all live in fear of pinched toes.

In light of the World Health Organization declaring the coronavirus (COVID-19) a pandemic, we assembled a COVID-19 task force to address customer safety. This task force (myself, Bear the Dog and either of the cats if we could get them to sit for any length of time) has decided to follow the procedures and guidelines recommended by the Centers for Disease Control and Prevention (CDC) to help stop the spread of COVID-19.

Furthermore, I will personally be taking these steps to ensure your safety from the coming Crustaceans Caliphate COVID-19 virus:

  • I will continue to wash my hands like an adult. I don’t mean to brag, but I’ve always been a part of the 30% that washed my hands after going to the bathroom. And I don’t have to sing a song to remind me or anything. Also, I’m done with handshakes, you filthy non-hand washing bastards. The world will be a better place with more finger guns, anyway.
  • I will practice social distancing. And I’m really good at it too, because I’ve been practicing it most of my adult life. Who’s the weirdo now, anonymous annual peer review respondent?
  •  If the worst should happen and society should suffer a complete collapse, I will make my Duck & Cover books free to survivors as a guide on how to rebuild. But I get to be The Coyote.

Remember, we are all in this together. So watch out for your neighbors, share the toilet paper, and remind strangers that the water will be just fine. Also, if you cough on me, I will drop you with a flying elbow like Macho Man from the top rope.

This is old stuff. Newsletter subscribers got it way before you did. Get it when it’s new. Get Graying Matter delivered to your inbox each week. You’ll get a free book, too. Sign up here.


I want to give you an audiobook.

It's a collection of short stories about time travel, alien invasions, selling homes in alternate dimensions, giant combiner robots, post-apocalyptic beagles and much more. And it's all read by the amazing Phil Thron.

It's yours when you sign up for my newsletter. 

You have Successfully Subscribed!