I know I’m getting screwed.

Every time I have to get toilet paper, I know I’m being taken for a ride and the whole time those damn bears are just smiling at me. Much like the rest of the world, I was delighted when Charmin embraced the fact that bears do indeed shit in the woods, but this bear math is ridiculous and I know it’s to my disadvantage.

I had to get toilet paper the other day because—and there’s no nice way to say it—my family poops. I don’t know how the paper usually gets into the house but that day it was on me. I was going to run in, grab the Charmin (because up yours, Whipple) and run out. I did not account for the math.

My choices were 18 Mega Plus rolls, 6 Super Mega rolls, 20 Double rolls or 24 Mega rolls.

I know a trick when I see it and I wasn’t going to be had so I started doing the math. 18 Mega Plus rolls equaled 82 regular rolls. 30 Double rolls was the same as 60 regular rolls. 6 Super Mega was the same as 36 regular rolls! And 24 Mega rolls was the same as 96 regular rolls.

This is when I realized I no longer have any concept of what a regular roll of toilet paper looks like. Is there a standard? Was there ever such a thing as a regular roll? Is it a global definition or would other countries have their own system? Is there an official roll somewhere that represents the regular roll like the kilogram? Is a roll metric? If it was metric, would I even understand it? I’m not usually one for the government stepping in, but maybe a federal organization to police the definition of what constitutes a regular roll and how mega and super mega should be defined would make sense here.

I threw caution to the wind and grabbed the biggest package I could find, 30 Double Rolls for $18 bucks and was confident in my choice. But then there was the 18 Mega Plus for $20, only two dollars more. That’s like 22 regular rolls for only two dollars more. But the 30 pack took up more volume. And isn’t that what I’m looking for in a toilet paper? Is it? I really don’t know any more. Why did buying toilet paper have to become a middle school word problem?

And I know what you’re thinking. “Just use another brand.” Well, that little shit Angelsoft is up to the same tricks, but he’s using all different math. He’s not even talking about roll size. He’s talking about the number of sheets. I don’t know what a regular roll looks like much less how many sheets are on it. Does double ply change the math?

Those damn bears and their fancy math had me beat. There was nothing else I could do. Weeping from defeat, I grabbed whatever package and went home knowing that, in the end, I was just going to have to take it.

P.S. Charmin’s tagline is currently “Enjoy the Go.” WT literal F?

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